4 Months

I woke up that morning to 14 new text messages, 12 missed calls And 3 voice mails. All urgently telling me to go to  Corona Regional, that my Dad was in the ER not breathing. 

I was in a fog, as I had only gone to bed 3 hours previous to waking up to what would be the worst day of my life. I scrambled, told my best friend and left. I do not remember my drive to the hospital, I do remember arriving and just pleading to see Him. The nurse asked if I was prepared (what  on earth is she taking about I  thought) "Yes of course" I stammered, He's my dad for crying out loud. I was so not prepared. Nothing in all creation could have prepared me. My dad was on a ventilator, with blood still all over His face. My mom was crying. I ran out because I thought I would be sick. 

The rest of that day is a blur. I do not remember much but I  do remember the sweet friends who  came and sat and cried and prayed and hugged. The phone calls, texts. Prayers offered up on our behalf. Every time he coded, and our hearts sank. My mom who never ever stopped praying and believing that God could and would heal my dad. I admire her strength. I remember the doctor telling us "His heart was functioning at 10 percent and that there was no brain activity" I remember the sobs. Crying out to God on filthy hospital floor for His will and not my own. The courage and selflessness my Mom had in letting Him go. And now in the aftermath, I have good days and Bad. Days were my heart isn't so heavy and grief doesn't consume my every thought. Days where I have Joy and peace. But not today. Today, it's been four months, exactly.

What I do not have is my Dad. And that loss is deeper than anything I could put on paper. It is real, definitive, gaping. It is the reality of my new life.

I am a 23 year old with out a dad.

My dad will not be here to walk me or my sister down the aisle. Our children will not know Him. My four year old little brother will grow up without him. My mom will finish this life without him. I cannot hug him. Or talk to him. 

Everyday is a reminder that He is gone and is not coming back. 

What I do have are 23 years of wonderful memories. 

  I have pictures. Pictures of us together.

The things he taught me and the legacy he left behind.

Amazing and wonderful friends who help keep me grounded.

The gift of waking up every day and telling my Story. 

Real life tangible people that are still here, alive and breathing. 

People who need hope and Jesus. And if I am so consumed by my loss, I might just miss them. Miss the opportunity to continue the beautiful legacy my Dad left behind. 

But most importantly I have God who holds me and is my ultimate Father.

Who has a plan in this even if I don't see it.

Who is weaving something far more beautiful and greater together  than my loss or pain. Who knows all and sees all. He is good, always.

Dad,

Know we miss you so much. There is not a day that goes by where our hearts don't ache for you. We love you, and we can't wait to be reunited with you. See you soon.

All my love,

Britt

He Carries Me

The past few weeks have been a blur of anger, despair and sadness. Crying until I have no tears left. Trying to go about life as "normal" when everything around me  is a constant reminder of that loss. 

My heart aches over the Dad I will never  get to wrap my arms around again, over my dad not walking me down the aisle, even in the small ways like seeing my dad's Facebook, I cried until I couldn't breathe, and my computer screen was covered in the fingerprints of a daughter who just wants her dad back. I cry over the little boy who will not grow up knowing His Father, I cry over my mama who has to face this life without her beloved.
I've been so angry I just don't know what to do with my self.

These things happen often, Just when I am feeling "okay", despair comes and knocks me down hard. I was having an "okay" day last week when I went to visit my mom, everything was fine until we received my dads death certificate in the mail. Needless to say, I lost it...... There have been a lot of shouting matches with God, and I felt like it was time for another one. 

“You could have let him live! Why?  What do you have to gain from all of this loss??”  I literally screamed at the sky while I cried over my own hurt. He never backs down, though, and I am so thankful for that love. It is the love of a Father who Himself is well-acquainted with grief.  It is the love of a Father Who has lost His Son. He understands the ranting and the door-slamming. The emptiness that wraps around me when I think of my Dad.  He knows.

And He only has one request:

Come to me, bring it right to me, Brittni. 

I'm big enough. 

Bring it to My feet, and I will make an altar from your suffering.  

This, this is true. While I have never experienced loss, and sorrow this big, I have experienced His peace and presence that much more. 

If I have learned one thing these past few weeks, He carries me. He carries me when I can't take one more step.

He carries me when it would just be easier to give up.

He carries me when I ask for the strength to be weak, and just let Him carry me.

Below is a picture of me and me Dad the day I was born. It is definitely one of my favorite photos of us. My friends, I don't know what season of life you are currently in, but I encourage you to just let Him carry you. 

He never said it would be easy..... One day at a time:)

Lately I have been wrestling with a lot (which is why it's been so long since I've posted). Let me rephrase that, I have been wrestling with God over a lot! The masks I wear to "pretend" like my heart is great and I've got it all together. The appearance of a good Christian.....? He's been putting His finger on those places, walls, masks, wounds. Those secret, hidden parts of me that I don't want anyone to know about or see. And it hurts..... A lot! I feel as if I've been playing tug-of-war with God. Surrender is not an easy thing, but He calls us to surrender, even the darkest ugliest places of our hearts. I'm finding He longs for me to lay and surrender those things at the cross, and there is SO much freedom, and healing in that. Because He ALREADY knows. I'm also finding that He is the ONLY one who can mend, restore and bring the peace my heart so desperately longs and needs. I am also realizing that He is BIG enough for my anger, frustration and doubt. He gives me space to feel and question, because He's sovereign. All of this is messy and I don't fully understand it, but the end result is and will be beautiful! And I don't really know what the "other side" of this process will look like, but O how I have hope! That He is and will take my broken, wounded heart and use it as a vessel of His love and faithfulness, so I encourage you to trust and walk with Him one day at a time:)

The fight

If you ask me how me how I'm doing, I don't really know how to anwser that question. Some days I am well and my soul feels free. Other days I feel, trapped, suffocated, it hurts. This awkward feeling of knowing there is freedom and healing in Christ, and still being on my journey to healing. And pain is beauty. I don't think this juxtaposition of joy and pain will never not be evident, at least this side of heaven. I am doing my best to cling to Him, to heal, to trust. To trust He is going to use all this pain for HIS good I have too choose to fight. There are days I want to give up... Throw in the towel. But in Christ there is no defeat. Scripture reminds us over and over again to fight the good fight, to cling to Him. Too not loose hope. That we are always going to be walking through some sort of trial or refiners fire. So I encourage you today weather you are flying and are full of joy or if you are drowning and see no way out. Cling to Him, He is your only source of strength and hope that will never ever fail you. Choose to fight:)

ASK....

So it's the beginning of a new year, Ya know what that means, it's resolution time. We set goals for ourselves. To loose weight, work harder, be a better Wife, Mom, Husband, Father, friend. Make more money. Ect.Which are all really awesome, but  I have a question for all of us, (myself included). Have we ASKED God what goals he may have for us, what He wants for us? How he wants to make us more like Him in 2012? Hmmm, yeah... ouch! Well at least for me!! Well I asked, and I know that God is calling me to step up, to be bold. To love more and deeper than I ever have before. To be a light in my work place. What is he asking of you?  Maybe He is nudging you too call up that "friend" and mend that relationship. How about taking that co-worker who doesn't know the Lord to lunch, just to love on them? Or stepping up and serving for the first time in your church or community. Spending more time with those you love. Maybe just spending more time with Him :) I am not God and I can't tell you what God is asking of you or wanting to do through you in 2012, but I can encourage you to seek Him in everything!! Be bold, step out, don't live in fear. And if you're not already, fall in Love with your King this year! Allow Christ to take your brokenness and make it something soo amazingly beautiful, trust me He can and will if you just ASK!!!

Unexpected Anwsers

Sometimes we pray and ask God for things, people, and He answers, just not in the way we "think" He will or ought too. Funny, how that works isn't it? I prayed, I begged God to bring people into my life who would "get" me. Who I could trust, "walk" this walk with. That would love me for me, and challenge me. Too help walk with me through some of the hardest places in my journey yet. Be an example. My prayer exactly......Well He most certainly did :) Erin Motto, She is a beautiful answer to that prayer. She is an amazing example of what a Godly wife, mom, leader and friend in Christ should be. She is one of the most genuine ,real, authentic people. We are both in very different life stages yet I understand her better than most of the people in my life. How sweet it is, that because she has experienced pain, and I have experienced pain, we can relate, connect, and grow together. Fighting for authenticity. It is so beautiful to me that in the Kingdom of God age, life stages, stature, and looks, really don't matter!! There is such beauty in our relationships... even the ones that are unexpected. So I challenge you to open up your eyes and take a look around you, you never know who or how God will use the person sitting right in front of you, to teach you, grow you, bless and fight for you. Don't miss out on the blessings God has for you, even if they don't come the way you thought they would :) Erin I am so thankful for you, thankful that God has woven you into the tapestry of my life!!

Letting go... a little

Welp, I haven't posted in awhile... not even sure anyone has read my blog but here ya go....
Have you ever gone through something... did something, that well you didn't want anyone else to know? My guess is we all have something....Well I had some very deep personal things that I shared with some very close friends this last week, and I have too say it's the hardest thing I think I've ever done.. but so freeing :) Christ gave us each other for a reason! Ha ha. Don't allow Satan too have a foothold in your life! So I encourage you whatever your carrying... find your voice. Speak IT.  "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 5:16