He Carries Me

The past few weeks have been a blur of anger, despair and sadness. Crying until I have no tears left. Trying to go about life as "normal" when everything around me  is a constant reminder of that loss. 

My heart aches over the Dad I will never  get to wrap my arms around again, over my dad not walking me down the aisle, even in the small ways like seeing my dad's Facebook, I cried until I couldn't breathe, and my computer screen was covered in the fingerprints of a daughter who just wants her dad back. I cry over the little boy who will not grow up knowing His Father, I cry over my mama who has to face this life without her beloved.
I've been so angry I just don't know what to do with my self.

These things happen often, Just when I am feeling "okay", despair comes and knocks me down hard. I was having an "okay" day last week when I went to visit my mom, everything was fine until we received my dads death certificate in the mail. Needless to say, I lost it...... There have been a lot of shouting matches with God, and I felt like it was time for another one. 

“You could have let him live! Why?  What do you have to gain from all of this loss??”  I literally screamed at the sky while I cried over my own hurt. He never backs down, though, and I am so thankful for that love. It is the love of a Father who Himself is well-acquainted with grief.  It is the love of a Father Who has lost His Son. He understands the ranting and the door-slamming. The emptiness that wraps around me when I think of my Dad.  He knows.

And He only has one request:

Come to me, bring it right to me, Brittni. 

I'm big enough. 

Bring it to My feet, and I will make an altar from your suffering.  

This, this is true. While I have never experienced loss, and sorrow this big, I have experienced His peace and presence that much more. 

If I have learned one thing these past few weeks, He carries me. He carries me when I can't take one more step.

He carries me when it would just be easier to give up.

He carries me when I ask for the strength to be weak, and just let Him carry me.

Below is a picture of me and me Dad the day I was born. It is definitely one of my favorite photos of us. My friends, I don't know what season of life you are currently in, but I encourage you to just let Him carry you.